Dear Diary,
I’ve been thinking a lot about growth lately.
The ways people grow.
The effort required to grow.
The environments where growth flourishes—and the ones where it quietly dies.
I’ve found myself wondering about the relationship between personal growth and relationship growth.
Which Comes First?
Do we need to become healthier individuals before we can have healthy relationships?
Or do healthy relationships create the safety that allows us to become healthier individuals?
As therapists, we tend to land somewhere along that spectrum.
One perspective says healthy people create healthy relationships.
Another says healthy relationships create healthy people.
Both make compelling arguments.
So, which comes first?
I’ve been realizing that’s probably the wrong question.
Because relationships shape us.
We shape relationships.
Both are always happening at the same time.
Healthy relationships create healthier people.
Healthy people create healthier relationships.
It’s never one or the other.
When Someone Becomes the Project
And that’s where things get complicated.
Because when one direction is emphasized more heavily, one of two things happens.
Someone begins to feel like the project—as though they’re carrying everything that’s wrong with the relationship.
Someone else begins to feel like the project manager, carrying the burden of helping the relationship grow.
One carries shame.
The other carries responsibility.
Neither is actually carrying the relationship.
Neither feels good.
The longer I sit with it, the more convinced I am that no one wants to be someone else’s project.
And—everyone deserves a partner who remains committed to growing together.
The Questions Underneath
I’ve come to believe by listening to individuals and couples that neither person is intentionally creating hard feelings.
One person isn’t waking up thinking, How can I avoid growth today?
The other isn’t waking up thinking, How long can I make my list of demands?
Underneath those behaviors are usually two frightened people asking very different questions.
The other quietly wonders,
“If I have to become someone else to be loved, I might not be good enough to love at all.”
One quietly wonders,
“If nothing changes, I’m going to lose this relationship.”
The other experiences criticism.
One experiences invitations to grow.
The other feels judged and inadequate.
One feels abandoned and alone.
Both make sense.
Both hurt.
Both are shaping the relationship and the individuals within it.
Ready and Willing Are Not the Same
But maybe we have to step back and recognize the difference between being ready to grow and being willing to take the next steps of growth.
We all have places inside ourselves that are difficult to face.
Fear.
Shame.
Old wounds.
Grief.
Insecurities.
It makes sense that we may not be ready to step into those places.
Readiness deserves compassion.
We should never force someone into places they’re not ready to go.
But we also can’t pretend those places don’t affect the our relationships.
Because whatever we refuse to face within ourselves eventually shows up in the relationship between us.
What Physical Therapy Has Taught Me
I am a frequent flyer of physical therapy. I have a condition that means I injury my joints quite frequently and I’ve learned rehabbing injuries early is the key to my body’s maintenance.
My physical therapist knows far more than I do about the body.
She can see the hang ups and create a plan.
She watches my movements.
She adjusts my program.
She encourages me when progress feels slow and reminds me not to push too far, too fast.
She creates an environment where healing is possible.
But she cannot do the exercises for me.
Some days I’m sore.
Some days I’m busy.
Some days I’m discouraged.
Some days I don’t feel like doing them at all.
She understands that and encourages me through it.
But if I never become willing to do the work—even before I feel fully ready—my body doesn’t just stay the same.
It will compensate.
And over time, those compensations don’t just affect the injured joint. They affect how I walk, how I move, and eventually every part of my body has to adjust around what hasn’t healed.
Relationships often work the same way.
No one can do another person’s healing for them.
They can encourage.
Support.
Create safety.
But eventually, each of us has to become willing to take the next step ourselves.
So, while you can’t make someone grow, if you are never willing—even if you don’t feel fully ready—your relationship will eventually absorb the cost.
And—you cannot wait for someone to step into their work before you step into yours.
Growth can’t be forced.
Responsibility can’t be avoided.
What Are We Creating?
Relationships don’t stay the same.
They’re always becoming something: good, bad, or ugly.
Every conversation.
Every repair.
Every avoidance.
Every act of courage.
Every moment of protection.
They’re all shaping the space between us.
Maybe that’s the question I’ve been carrying lately.
Not, Who’s right?
Not even, Who needs to change?
But…
What do I owe myself?
What do I owe the person I love?
What do I owe the relationship we’re creating together?
What does the relationship itself need if we’re going to keep building something worth building?
Maybe becoming the best version of ourselves isn’t separate from that work.
Maybe it’s one of the ways they both happen.
Concurrently.
Interwoven.
Interdependent.
Because…
Relationships shape us.
We shape relationships.
Both are always happening at the same time.
I don’t think I have all the answers yet.
In fact, I think I’m just beginning to ask better questions.
Maybe that’s enough for today.
Sincerely
A therapist—who’s human too.
Reflection questions:
Do you feel more like the project or the project manager in your relationships?
What’s one area where you’re not fully ready to grow…but you might be willing?
Which question stays with your most?
-What do I owe myself?
-What do I owe the person I love?
-What do I owe the relationship we’re creating together?
