Dear Diary-
My devotional today emphasized how worry, doubt, envy, etc are all a human’s natural bent. This is normal.
Faith, however, is unnatural.
It’s not our human nature and therefore it can feel like an elusive state I can never quite attain. I think it also requires more “being” and less “doing”. Something that, for me (and I imagine most humans), is quite difficult.
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If I’m honest, I feel much better “doing”. I’m sitting here right now forcing my butt in my chair because I’m looking at laundry, dirt, and dishes.
I can feel the pull, like opposing magnets forced together, to get something done.
And with an empty house to boot! No kids or husband trailing behind replacing the crumbs and clutter I just picked up.
I’m jonesing for that satisfied feeling when it’s all in order again, like the high for an addict.
For me it’s evidence that what I do matters—it makes a difference—I can make things in my world better.
But what about when it doesn’t.
When it can’t.
When it makes no difference at all.
Or makes it even worse!
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When everything I do gets thwarted or falls short. It leaves me feeling helpless. And even worse, as a therapist who is supposed to know what to do, it’s downright devastating.
It’s when I’m forced into “being” in the moment—which, in keeping it totally real, usually sucks, it’s uncomfortable, vulnerable, and/or defeating.
Whether it’s a messy house, family tension, personal boredom, or just plain surrender.
I guess what my devotional is challenging me on is that “being” is uncomfortable and unnatural and yet—
It forces me to “do” nothing in order to give enough space to cultivate faith that it will all work out anyway.
At this point, I’ve proved, with experimental, observation studies, that it won’t work out because of me, at least not with any sort of consistency. Exhibit A through Z with mixed results.
So where am I left?
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Maybe my best bet at this point is sitting on my hands and biting my tongue long enough to see God come through.
“Doing” certainly feels better (the same way being high feels better).
But the mixed results mean I was made to “be” so that a God can “do” His thing.
Stand by….I’m still in clinical trials.
Sincerely-
A Therapist who should know, but doesn’t
