Relationship Work
Your relationship isn’t all that bad. You definitely want to keep it and looking around you know it could be so much worse but—
You know it could be so much better!
When you said “I do”, you knew you were in for a wild ride. You were young and in love. You literally felt that together you could take on the world.
Then life settled in. A couple of moves, job changes, and kids then life together lost its luster.
Of course, not to the point of going anywhere, you’ve committed and nothing has changed that.
But you’ve also lost something. The vision of what you believed your relationship could be has gotten blurred. The hum-drum of everyday life has dulled that spark you once had.
Life’s injuries have left you both a little defeated.
Some of them have been outside the relationship, some of them have come from each other.
Some of them feel like hurdles, some like mountains.
Some like a pebble in your shoe, some like a pothole you keep stepping in.
You want it back!
You don’t believe that love has to settle into just tolerating each other.
You want your love to sparkle again.
—to have more faith in love.
—to have more faith in him.
—to have more faith in her.
You have maybe even done your research. You know about the 4 horsemen and bids for connection. You’ve listened to the Gottman’s on all the podcasts. You’ve even delved into Attachment and EFT. Sometimes, when you try, it even works!
You just need a boost. Someone to help make it all make sense for you—in this relationship.
First, the reality is—Successful relationships happen with intention.
Our brains are built on autopilot and shaped by emotion and memory for survival.
So here’s where the rubber meets the road. Before we start, we gotta have the “Come to Jesus” talk.
So often, couples come to me hoping I will do something, say something, give them something that will right the ship in 3-6 sessions.
OR, each is hoping I will make their partner see the light. Boy, do I wish I could.
My dream of seeing couples satisfied in their marriage – getting the connection they need as humans – would be a reality, and the ripple effects would be astounding.
But here’s the reality: This is a marathon – not a sprint.
You’re trying to turn around an ocean liner – not a kayak. And that can only happen with one small act at a time.
The kind that turns you towards each other. The kind that helps you understand your own needs and desires in the relationship. The kind that tries to understand those same things in your partner.
Don’t get me wrong! I’m NOT saying it will take years of therapy to get there. But it will take intentional effort in – and out – of your sessions. It will take awareness, practice, and courage.
As with so many things in life, the things we work at the hardest hold the most value and reap the most benefits.
“Are we there yet?”
It’s a process. And sometimes, we can’t see the progress day in and day out. Think about the nephew you haven’t seen in years. He looks all grown up the next time you do, doesn’t he?
One complicating factor is that this work involves humans, and humans change. We grow – we adapt – we evolve. Evolution is a wonderful thing, but it means you’re never “there.” You never “finish” learning about and adapting to your partner. It’s how you “grow” old together.
In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell identifies the 10,000-hour rule: to become an expert in anything, you need at least 10,000 hours of practice. He applied this to computer programming (think Bill Gates), classical musicians, and athletes.
But it’s also true of the skills it takes to make a marriage work and the practice of vulnerability that gets us through difficult moments.
While you may never “finish” working on your relationship, once you commit to the practice and develop your skills, you CAN become an expert – on your partner and your marriage.
That is how we grow old together.
Next reality is—Successful relationships happen with courage.
To be truly loved means to be truly known.
The bond with your partner can only ever be as strong as your willingness to be vulnerable with them.
But vulnerability is scary. Scarier for some more than others, depending on your upbringing, your previous relationships, or traumas. Sharing the deepest parts of yourself can feel like running into a burning building or hanging out on a cliff with a 300 foot vertical drop.
You may be wondering why? Why do I have to share those things? What difference will it make?
All the difference!
Because when you go out on that limb and your partner is able to catch you, your heart as made it home safely from the perilous journey. And when your partner is there, loving you, responding to you, supporting you, and accepting you—you feel safer in their arms. And doing that for each other is what makes a successful relationship.
So remember—this work takes courage. Courage to share when we’ve been hurt or afraid or insecure. Courage to let your partner catch you and to work to do the same for them.
The bigger picture—
Intimate relationships are the foundation of the family. The research is undeniable; people in satisfied marriages are healthier in numerous areas. (I could go on with an exhaustive list here, but I hope you take my word for it)
Healthy parents breed healthy children. Healthy children grow into healthy adults. And healthy adults are the building blocks of community.
Aren’t the ripple effects exciting? (Ok, maybe it’s just me, the feelings and relationship nerd) Seriously, though, if you two can better manage your stress as individuals and within your relationship, you have enormous power to make a collective impact.
But I digress.
This where I come in!
My excitement is why I am level 2 trained in Gottman Method Couple’s Therapy and recently completed an externship in EFT, both of which are evidenced-based approaches to helping couples improve their relationship.
I walk right alongside you to guide you through conversations and exercises that are proven to enhance your relationship.
We’ll identify your relationship’s conflict dance and understand how you get stuck in it together.
We’ll courageously learn how to share with each other what’s really happening inside your hearts.
We’ll remember what you like about each other and maybe even learn new things along the way.
We’ll learn how to “speak love” to each other in ways that are meaningful to them.